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[icon] Djehoutiichiro Sa-kun
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Time:01:59 am
Current Mood:accomplishedaccomplished
Awwwwww .... I got hit by a troll ^^ How cute! I'm flattered.

In any case, more of our comp got fried than we thought - hence my not being around :( So, I'm currently on a rental. Well, with our new plans, we're going to be needing a laptop anyway ... though it would be nice not to have to waste money on a rental in the meantime and transferring files is a pain and I have to set up this comp to read various languages and ... Ah, well ...

On the whole, things are going really, really well. Plans are on track and I got to talk to a few members from my buna's clan, which was cool even though I don't think we understood each other at all ^^
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Time:11:05 am
Current Mood:ecstaticecstatic
We're really going to get back on the road, we really, really are. I wish I didn't have to think about how long it's going to take. There's a corner of my brain that keeps going 'It doesn't have to be, it doesn't.' I think I need that corner to keep from going crazy. My family is happy for me, except sofu who thinks Travelling in un-civilised or something ... disappointing. I can't NOT though. I've suffered from such extreme wander-lust since leaving my family.

And everything is falling into place. And my past makes so much sense. And it all feels so GOOD. And I'm so excited!

!!! I wish I could explain things better, but right now no such luck ^^

Also, new icon coming soon.
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Time:08:34 am
Current Mood:chipperchipper
We're all fine, but we got hit by lighting oO We think it was the generator.

It was very loud.

All that got hurt was the cable box and modem, which are being replaced free-of-charge by the cable company.

I was touching the telly, Hobbit the computer at the time. The comp didn't even get phased, but the telly went BOOM in my left ear, deafening me for a moment, and then went out. I can't believe it's not hurt.

I'm glad nothing serious happened, but boy did it shake me up.

Baruch Hashem, no permanent damage.
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Time:06:59 pm
Current Mood:confusedconfused
My adoptive family is trying to get back into my life.

I don't think I can explain what these people put me through. I don't think I can explain the pain and torture that was my life with them.
And this, I can forgive. In all honestly, I have worked for years to come to a place where I can accept what was, what is, and the humanity in it all.

What I will not do is jump back into the lion's den.

I cannot believe this is what G-d would have me do, what Buddha would have taught, what would continue the flow of things. I do not believe it would be wise, compassionate, healthy, etc. etc. etc.

Unfortunately, there is apparently a part of me that thinks I deserve it or something. Or that I am such a bad person that I could not possibly be letting them go for the right reason.

But I'm going over it again and again, and I can find no benefit - for myself or for them - in re-joining the fold.

I love them, as people. I wish them growth and peace and the best life and there-after has to offer. However, they have never treated me like family. This is not to say me experiences with them has not given me much, over time I have gained strength, learned deeper compassion and patience, and taken a path that has led to many blessings. Such is the nature of karma. But family we are not. Not in that sense.

There. I said it.

I have been rejected, mocked, hit, raped, and made to feel like it was all my fault, made to feel guilty over it all. Straight A's, spiritual devotion, humanitarianism, paying my own way, silence, nothing was enough to earn their love, respect, or acceptness. I was never the equal of any of them.

Then they kicked me out. Twice.
And now they want me back. Was it my mistake to reach out to my dying grandmother? Was that it?

She ambushed me on the phone - Linda, the woman who calls herself my mother. This sounds pathetic, but inspite of my protests, she handed to phone over to my aunt. This is the aunt who, upon learning about my marriage, religion, political leanings, etc. decided I was lost to Satan. She told me never to write to her or call her, that I would be hung up on and that any mail would be thrown away without being opened.

I feel so ... bad ...
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Time:01:06 pm
Current Mood:pensivepensive
'We are a people of tribes' my buna told me a moment ago. 'You have strong ties to your tribes. They flow in your blood.' We're Jews and Rroma.

We were speaking about my need for friends and family and my apparent inability to reach out to anyone around here. She says she understands my feelings of isolation, lonliness, and home-sickness because she had the same while she was in America.

She again insisted that she should never have given me away and that it's her fault that I don't fit in anywhere.

'Don't work to be them, fata. You're not one of them, you're one of us. Be who you are. You are a daughter of your people.'

This is what I'm sitting with today.
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Time:07:31 pm
She's back in the hospital.
We're not sure what this means.
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Subject:Quick update
Time:12:10 pm
Current Mood:calmcalm
My adoptive grandmother has moved into a hospice and is not, apparently, feeling well at all. I'm going to be sending her hand-made cards as often as I can as I think this will be the best way for us to communicate. The cards will contain Tehillim, as we can agree on these and very little else. I will remind her that I care, that I'm praying for her, that I wish her peace, but I will not touch on anything else. The last thing either of us needs is more pain.

My tallit gadol came Friday afternoon. I got all choked up when I open the box, and again when I wrapped the tallit around me. Using it has touched me and made a difference I cannot explain.

My period of inner alchemical calcination seems to have passed, I'm curious to see what comes out of it. Though I'm still emotionally fatigued and moody, I know this has served as a gift.
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Time:08:19 pm
Current Mood:draineddrained
Why didn't I cut her off when I had the chance? Why did I let her back in? This is not a cycle that is going to stop.

I hope she cuts me off completely if I don't go to this funeral.
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Time:11:38 am
Current Mood:happyhappy
I just got a response from a non-prof on a writing piece I sent in and now I have a volunteer position blogging for them ^^

This may sound silly or small to some of you, but it's the first time I've managed to get myself to show my writing to complete strangers and they liked it, they want it. I'll be writing on a regular basis, for public view, on serious topics. And it's for a good cause.

This could, you know, start something for me.
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Time:03:08 pm
Current Mood:tiredtired
Today the cab driver asked if we spoke Yiddish and seemed kind of disappointed that we didn't.
I told my buna and she said she'd help if I wanted to learn (she speaks it fluently and probably knows enough Hebrew to get by in Israel too). She's also the kind of person with whom 'If you want' = 'Of course you want to'.

So I guess I'm adding another language to my list ...

We (us and the cab driver) also talked about ethnic humour and how the problem is often who is and is not being serious.

It was a good ride ...

Unlike our last one where we were called Christ Killers and didn't know if they guy was joking ...
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[icon] Djehoutiichiro Sa-kun
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