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[icon] My adoptive family is trying to get back into my life. I don't think… - Djehoutiichiro Sa-kun
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Time:06:59 pm
Current Mood:confusedconfused
My adoptive family is trying to get back into my life.

I don't think I can explain what these people put me through. I don't think I can explain the pain and torture that was my life with them.
And this, I can forgive. In all honestly, I have worked for years to come to a place where I can accept what was, what is, and the humanity in it all.

What I will not do is jump back into the lion's den.

I cannot believe this is what G-d would have me do, what Buddha would have taught, what would continue the flow of things. I do not believe it would be wise, compassionate, healthy, etc. etc. etc.

Unfortunately, there is apparently a part of me that thinks I deserve it or something. Or that I am such a bad person that I could not possibly be letting them go for the right reason.

But I'm going over it again and again, and I can find no benefit - for myself or for them - in re-joining the fold.

I love them, as people. I wish them growth and peace and the best life and there-after has to offer. However, they have never treated me like family. This is not to say me experiences with them has not given me much, over time I have gained strength, learned deeper compassion and patience, and taken a path that has led to many blessings. Such is the nature of karma. But family we are not. Not in that sense.

There. I said it.

I have been rejected, mocked, hit, raped, and made to feel like it was all my fault, made to feel guilty over it all. Straight A's, spiritual devotion, humanitarianism, paying my own way, silence, nothing was enough to earn their love, respect, or acceptness. I was never the equal of any of them.

Then they kicked me out. Twice.
And now they want me back. Was it my mistake to reach out to my dying grandmother? Was that it?

She ambushed me on the phone - Linda, the woman who calls herself my mother. This sounds pathetic, but inspite of my protests, she handed to phone over to my aunt. This is the aunt who, upon learning about my marriage, religion, political leanings, etc. decided I was lost to Satan. She told me never to write to her or call her, that I would be hung up on and that any mail would be thrown away without being opened.

I feel so ... bad ...
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upasaka
Link:(Link)
Time:2007-04-30 12:33 am (UTC)
I don't know how to respond to this, but I know I want to, somehow. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please don't hesitate to say something if there is any small thing I can do to help.
(Reply) (Thread)


djeichiro
Link:(Link)
Time:2007-05-01 03:57 am (UTC)
You are, as a person, deeply appreciated.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)


__chimaera__
Link:(Link)
Time:2007-04-30 08:20 am (UTC)
oh my god, you must be a very strong person if you could bare all those things. it's not my business, but if you suffered a lot during the time you spent with them, the worst you can do is to reestablish the connection. in my opinion, a parent (it might be adoptive or not) NEVER EVER should do physical harm to the children. I mean it's something that I can't accept.
but I respect you a lot, reading your posts I consider you a very interesting and in fact a great person. take care and decide what your heart tells you to.
(Reply) (Thread)


djeichiro
Link:(Link)
Time:2007-05-01 04:03 am (UTC)
I agree - some parents don't understand the precious responsibility of holding a life in their hands.

That strength you mentioned is one of the blessings that come from such circumstances. For that, I owe them my sincere gratitude and it is a large part of the reason I came to accept that portion of my past. It *did* make me a stronger person.

I hope I can live a life worthy of the respect you profess to have toward me :)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)

curious_reader
Link:(Link)
Time:2007-04-30 11:19 am (UTC)
I don't know what to say either. Is there maybe from your real family someone who is on your side or anyone else? Maybe you have a better connection to a friend or whatever who can help you. I had bad experience with my real family but it was for other reasons. I made them understand by running back to London where I feel happier that I am grown up and can look after myself. You seem to be in a completely different situation. I don't really know what to advice you. When you are a strong person then do not let them pull you down. If I would not be financial still dependent on my parents and in other ways to other members of the family I would just not care about them anymore. If you can support yourself you won't need them. In Judaism we have a blessing for keeping away bad people and bad company from us. I simply try keeping out of their way.
(Reply) (Thread)


djeichiro
Link:(Link)
Time:2007-05-01 04:06 am (UTC)
I am most fortunate to have members of my birth family who are wonderful people willing to be there for me. Unfortunately, for now at least, it must be at the end of a phone line.

I do have to keep in mind when things are like this that I *do* have amazing people like my grandparents and you people on my flist :)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)

curious_reader
Link:(Link)
Time:2007-04-30 11:37 am (UTC)
What about changing your phone number? I always change addresses and with it my land line. I have a mobile, too, but I did not gave my parents my number because they would phone me every minute. Your adoptive family sound like criminals. I guess people already said to you "go to the police". Even for me it is too painful and I know they ask for evidence and so on. That is not my advice.
(Reply) (Thread)


djeichiro
Link:(Link)
Time:2007-05-01 04:10 am (UTC)
When I was in secondary school, my school's social worker contacted DCFS (Department of Children and Family Services) and attempted to have me placed in a foster home. They stated that I was 1) Too old and 2) There was not sufficient evidence of abuse.

Mind you, I was in the psyche hospital at the time for severe depression and 'suicidal idealisations'. Their main problem was they could not tell which wounds were self-inflicted and which were not. Also, they stated that emotional abuse was not grounds for removing a child from its home so that was also out. It was a bad time. A bad, bad time.

So no, I would never go to the cops at this point.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)


pxocean3
Link:(Link)
Time:2007-04-30 04:33 pm (UTC)
How are they trying to get back into your life? And why?
(Reply) (Thread)


djeichiro
Link:(Link)
Time:2007-05-01 03:55 am (UTC)
I don't even know how to explain this. The whole lot of them have serious control issues and a history of some severe mental problems (including paranoid schiz.).

I have problems just cutting them off because I have built up guilt since before I can remember that ends with me being responsible for everyone's pain. Ie, if I cut them off, it's all my fault and I'm the bad person for not trying and causing them suffering. Lin phones me and I answer even when I know I shouldn't, because otherwise I've been a bad person (in my mind, or some small, horrid little corner of it).

The whole thing is just mad.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)


chukun_nahbi
Link:(Link)
Time:2007-04-30 10:56 pm (UTC)
I don't know how I can help, but anything you need from me will be done, without question. You have all my support, and please know that I'll always be here for you. You've been my rock on numerous occasions, and I only hope that I can measure up to what you've done for me.

*gives big fat hug*

This can't be what G-d, or Buddha, or any higher power could want. Don't let them make you feel bad. You're the kindest, thoughtfullest (word?) person I know.
(Reply) (Thread)


djeichiro
Link:(Link)
Time:2007-05-01 04:11 am (UTC)
You do more than you know, M. :)
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)

alksnins_russia
Link:(Link)
Time:2007-05-05 04:18 pm (UTC)
WHITE PRIDE - WORLD WIDE



http://v-alksnis2.livejournal.com is the LJ's largest pro-White community looking out for the interests of White European people the world over.
If you are interested in learning more on what you can do to defend your race visit us at http://v-alksnis2.livejournal.com/ !!!

http://v-alksnis2.livejournal.com/
http://v-alksnis2.livejournal.com/18555.html
http://v-alksnis2.livejournal.com/5159.html
http://v-alksnis2.livejournal.com/6445.html
http://v-alksnis2.livejournal.com/5762.html

A white person has pride = racist
A black person has pride = heavily supported
A Mexican person has pride = heavily supported

Does anyone else see a problem here?
Are you as bothered by this as we are?
Join us at:

http://v-alksnis2.livejournal.com/

Educating the white minority.

Невероятно, но факт! Это просто пиздец какой-то! Ебануться! Более подробно, чем я описал выше, представить его нельзя. папо духанена, еще одно скулящее чмо, которое пьет охлажденную мочю дома, рассказал мне, что это ссучее чмо хлюпает очком во сне.

Are you tired of:

Not seeing black-on-white crime reported on TV?

Your country being invaded by third world immigrants?

Feeling guilty for being white?

Politically correct bullsh*t?

If you answered yes to all of these questions you are probably one of us. Come and know us, visit us today at http://v-alksnis2.livejournal.com/ !!!
(Reply) (Thread)

alksnins666
Link:(Link)
Time:2007-05-05 05:10 pm (UTC)
WHITE PRIDE - WORLD WIDE



http://v-alksnis2.livejournal.com is the LJ's largest pro-White community looking out for the interests of White European people the world over.
If you are interested in learning more on what you can do to defend your race visit us at http://v-alksnis2.livejournal.com/ !!!

http://v-alksnis2.livejournal.com/
http://v-alksnis2.livejournal.com/18555.html
http://v-alksnis2.livejournal.com/5159.html
http://v-alksnis2.livejournal.com/6445.html
http://v-alksnis2.livejournal.com/5762.html

A white person has pride = racist
A black person has pride = heavily supported
A Mexican person has pride = heavily supported

Does anyone else see a problem here?
Are you as bothered by this as we are?
Join us at:

http://v-alksnis2.livejournal.com/

Educating the white minority.

Он мне с самого начала показался очень и очень подозрительным... Я бы сказал, что imja дрессированный коксакер. familija старый холоп. казахскай пиндергаст духанен, еще одна горбоносая сука, рассказал мне, что on передвигается исключительно на костылях. Я бы сказал, что imja старое чмо.

Are you tired of:

Not seeing black-on-white crime reported on TV?

Your country being invaded by third world immigrants?

Feeling guilty for being white?

Politically correct bullsh*t?

If you answered yes to all of these questions you are probably one of us. Come and know us, visit us today at http://v-alksnis2.livejournal.com/ !!!
(Reply) (Thread)

alksnins_russia
Link:(Link)
Time:2007-05-05 05:34 pm (UTC)
WHITE PRIDE - WORLD WIDE



http://v-alksnis2.livejournal.com is the LJ's largest pro-White community looking out for the interests of White European people the world over.
If you are interested in learning more on what you can do to defend your race visit us at http://v-alksnis2.livejournal.com/ !!!

http://v-alksnis2.livejournal.com/
http://v-alksnis2.livejournal.com/18555.html
http://v-alksnis2.livejournal.com/5159.html
http://v-alksnis2.livejournal.com/6445.html
http://v-alksnis2.livejournal.com/5762.html

A white person has pride = racist
A black person has pride = heavily supported
A Mexican person has pride = heavily supported

Does anyone else see a problem here?
Are you as bothered by this as we are?
Join us at:

http://v-alksnis2.livejournal.com/

Educating the white minority.

Я искал про него информацию в интернете и вот что я обнаружил: этот ссучий холоп пьет охлажденную мочю дома. Ебануться! Он мне с самого начала показался очень и очень подозрительным... это шелудивое хайло открыто признается в этом. Ебануться!

Are you tired of:

Not seeing black-on-white crime reported on TV?

Your country being invaded by third world immigrants?

Feeling guilty for being white?

Politically correct bullsh*t?

If you answered yes to all of these questions you are probably one of us. Come and know us, visit us today at http://v-alksnis2.livejournal.com/ !!!
(Reply) (Thread)

[icon] My adoptive family is trying to get back into my life. I don't think… - Djehoutiichiro Sa-kun
View:Recent Entries.
View:Archive.
View:Friends.
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