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[icon] My adoptive family is trying to get back into my life. I don't think… - Djehoutiichiro Sa-kun
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Time:06:59 pm
Current Mood:confusedconfused
My adoptive family is trying to get back into my life.

I don't think I can explain what these people put me through. I don't think I can explain the pain and torture that was my life with them.
And this, I can forgive. In all honestly, I have worked for years to come to a place where I can accept what was, what is, and the humanity in it all.

What I will not do is jump back into the lion's den.

I cannot believe this is what G-d would have me do, what Buddha would have taught, what would continue the flow of things. I do not believe it would be wise, compassionate, healthy, etc. etc. etc.

Unfortunately, there is apparently a part of me that thinks I deserve it or something. Or that I am such a bad person that I could not possibly be letting them go for the right reason.

But I'm going over it again and again, and I can find no benefit - for myself or for them - in re-joining the fold.

I love them, as people. I wish them growth and peace and the best life and there-after has to offer. However, they have never treated me like family. This is not to say me experiences with them has not given me much, over time I have gained strength, learned deeper compassion and patience, and taken a path that has led to many blessings. Such is the nature of karma. But family we are not. Not in that sense.

There. I said it.

I have been rejected, mocked, hit, raped, and made to feel like it was all my fault, made to feel guilty over it all. Straight A's, spiritual devotion, humanitarianism, paying my own way, silence, nothing was enough to earn their love, respect, or acceptness. I was never the equal of any of them.

Then they kicked me out. Twice.
And now they want me back. Was it my mistake to reach out to my dying grandmother? Was that it?

She ambushed me on the phone - Linda, the woman who calls herself my mother. This sounds pathetic, but inspite of my protests, she handed to phone over to my aunt. This is the aunt who, upon learning about my marriage, religion, political leanings, etc. decided I was lost to Satan. She told me never to write to her or call her, that I would be hung up on and that any mail would be thrown away without being opened.

I feel so ... bad ...
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curious_reader
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Time:2007-04-30 11:19 am (UTC)
I don't know what to say either. Is there maybe from your real family someone who is on your side or anyone else? Maybe you have a better connection to a friend or whatever who can help you. I had bad experience with my real family but it was for other reasons. I made them understand by running back to London where I feel happier that I am grown up and can look after myself. You seem to be in a completely different situation. I don't really know what to advice you. When you are a strong person then do not let them pull you down. If I would not be financial still dependent on my parents and in other ways to other members of the family I would just not care about them anymore. If you can support yourself you won't need them. In Judaism we have a blessing for keeping away bad people and bad company from us. I simply try keeping out of their way.
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djeichiro
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Time:2007-05-01 04:06 am (UTC)
I am most fortunate to have members of my birth family who are wonderful people willing to be there for me. Unfortunately, for now at least, it must be at the end of a phone line.

I do have to keep in mind when things are like this that I *do* have amazing people like my grandparents and you people on my flist :)
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[icon] My adoptive family is trying to get back into my life. I don't think… - Djehoutiichiro Sa-kun
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