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[icon] My adoptive family is trying to get back into my life. I don't think… - Djehoutiichiro Sa-kun
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Time:06:59 pm
Current Mood:confusedconfused
My adoptive family is trying to get back into my life.

I don't think I can explain what these people put me through. I don't think I can explain the pain and torture that was my life with them.
And this, I can forgive. In all honestly, I have worked for years to come to a place where I can accept what was, what is, and the humanity in it all.

What I will not do is jump back into the lion's den.

I cannot believe this is what G-d would have me do, what Buddha would have taught, what would continue the flow of things. I do not believe it would be wise, compassionate, healthy, etc. etc. etc.

Unfortunately, there is apparently a part of me that thinks I deserve it or something. Or that I am such a bad person that I could not possibly be letting them go for the right reason.

But I'm going over it again and again, and I can find no benefit - for myself or for them - in re-joining the fold.

I love them, as people. I wish them growth and peace and the best life and there-after has to offer. However, they have never treated me like family. This is not to say me experiences with them has not given me much, over time I have gained strength, learned deeper compassion and patience, and taken a path that has led to many blessings. Such is the nature of karma. But family we are not. Not in that sense.

There. I said it.

I have been rejected, mocked, hit, raped, and made to feel like it was all my fault, made to feel guilty over it all. Straight A's, spiritual devotion, humanitarianism, paying my own way, silence, nothing was enough to earn their love, respect, or acceptness. I was never the equal of any of them.

Then they kicked me out. Twice.
And now they want me back. Was it my mistake to reach out to my dying grandmother? Was that it?

She ambushed me on the phone - Linda, the woman who calls herself my mother. This sounds pathetic, but inspite of my protests, she handed to phone over to my aunt. This is the aunt who, upon learning about my marriage, religion, political leanings, etc. decided I was lost to Satan. She told me never to write to her or call her, that I would be hung up on and that any mail would be thrown away without being opened.

I feel so ... bad ...
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pxocean3
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Time:2007-04-30 04:33 pm (UTC)
How are they trying to get back into your life? And why?
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djeichiro
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Time:2007-05-01 03:55 am (UTC)
I don't even know how to explain this. The whole lot of them have serious control issues and a history of some severe mental problems (including paranoid schiz.).

I have problems just cutting them off because I have built up guilt since before I can remember that ends with me being responsible for everyone's pain. Ie, if I cut them off, it's all my fault and I'm the bad person for not trying and causing them suffering. Lin phones me and I answer even when I know I shouldn't, because otherwise I've been a bad person (in my mind, or some small, horrid little corner of it).

The whole thing is just mad.
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[icon] My adoptive family is trying to get back into my life. I don't think… - Djehoutiichiro Sa-kun
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